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bLue AvOcaDo

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(no subject) [Aug. 24th, 2011|11:20 pm]
bLue AvOcaDo
I can't take this anymore. I never want to feel this ever again. I really do think the only way is to end this completely. God please help me before I end it myself...
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(no subject) [Jan. 7th, 2010|06:03 pm]
bLue AvOcaDo
I really hope that no one has a lj account. but if they do then feel happy that u know what is going on. Since no one else know... but i think its time for me to settle down and really get alot done. Im getting my license very soon.. well i have to pas the test which i got to study but im sure i can manage. I might have to go back to my moms since i havent paid my half of rent for this month . and im really fuckin up my land lord but i really dont have the money to provide for myself. Let alone i dont have the money to move out. So i would have to leave all my shit.. ALL OF IT!.. but i might just sell it actually. meh.. time will tell. hopefully soemthing will happen something good.
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(no subject) [Sep. 30th, 2009|07:37 pm]
bLue AvOcaDo
I was a quick wet boy, diving too deep for coins
All of your street light eyes wide on my plastic toys
Then when the cops closed the fair, I cut my long baby hair
Stole me a dog-eared map and called for you everywhere

Have I found you
Flightless bird, jealous, weeping or lost you, american mouth
Big pill looming

Now I'm a fat house cat
Nursing my sore blunt tongue
Watching the warm poison rats curl through the wide fence cracks
Pissing on magazine photos
Those fishing lures thrown in the cold
And clean blood of Christ mountain stream

Have I found you
Flightless bird, grounded, bleeding or lost you, american mouth
Big pill stuck going down

And this is how I feel at the moment. Everything comes to an end... even when your having fun what goes up must come down. My life is at a total stop.. which might stay this way for a while.. Sometimes i just miss those night in my room crying and wishing i had some sort of sharp object to help me feel that need of being alive. Now i know what i did wrong.. and why im still here. But i think that everyone in this world has cried to their pillows. I just cry to sleep and to get me to a different day in my life. What if things where are they seem? Well i might be making a mistake or doing myself a favor. Either way i think its time to just leave for a bit. Come back strong and ready to deal with the outcomes.
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(no subject) [Sep. 18th, 2009|08:02 pm]
bLue AvOcaDo
and here i am still dealing with the same shit. Never has there been a day that i dont think about being in this world. such bull shit that happens and such shit that affects me. Sometimes i honestly wish i was away... long gone from here... just in a place where i dont have to deal with anything or anyone.. i mean dont we all? I come to vent my stress and anger of this fucked up life... sometimes its better to not say anything at all but i have to. I need to. Im my own worse enemy and my own worse person. Ive been thru hell and back. Not knowing what direction im going i just follow what is out there.. Give me a reason to stay in this world give me a reason to keep on living... or simply give me a reason to care for myself. Ive feel an emptiness for a very long time... its time to make it better and move on. For that i think i need to go on a quest. I place where i know i will find myself where i will find my reason to continue... To find what we have all been placed in this world to do. To find ones self...

I use to love. But now im just numb.
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(no subject) [Aug. 22nd, 2009|04:54 pm]
bLue AvOcaDo
To be honest i really don't know where else to go. I have soooooo much bottled up in my life that i just want to run. Like leave forever. Ive done some shaddy things in my life and i keep hitting rock bottom. Im in desperate need of talking to someone. But im also unwilling to do it. I keep telling myself its going to be ok and continue to make things better. I see myself becoming more and more distant from the things i love doing and the people who i talk to. I hid in my room and try to make the day go faster. Would my life be better in a different place? Away from where i am. Or do i simply look at life and come to a conclusion that it is what it is? Ever since you have left i still keep thinking about you. Why is it that one person can change your life and not even yourself at the bottom change your own. Is it that i just need someone to help me back up again or the fact that there is someone to help me. Where does it all begin? where does it end? Its as if i am one person with mixed up feeling and wanting to find a purpose in life. To each its own right? What if there wasnt a purpose to life?

Maybe thats what it is... the purpose is to find out what is the purpose.
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(no subject) [Dec. 26th, 2007|06:39 pm]
bLue AvOcaDo
it all happend at a fast rate. ive felt it coming but i was just ignoring it. remeber when your parents gave you that one talk about your friends not being your friends? that you will only have your family as your friends? its true. its all true. i thought my friends would have my back but they dont. not all right but some. its interesting how they tell you something one day -dont worry i got ur back- and dont know you the next day.

ive hit rock bottom and found a trap door and hit it again and again and again. ive lost a job at the salon i was working for, almost getting fired from the other job, i dont have money, i dont have friends, no cell phone and have been starving myself cuz there is no food. and the best part its the holidays. what a year! what a way to end the old year and start a new one.
so i say this now, im at the lowest of my life.... but there is no other direction to look for than up.

i lost the love that was once in me. i lost everything... but a cold heart still needs to move on.
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comfort in being this hurt [Aug. 17th, 2007|02:03 pm]
bLue AvOcaDo
[mood |crushedcrushed]

Interesting. Sometimes i do feel the need to say something to people. Sometimes i feel betrayed and just shit. Maybe she was right, dont be so nice to them. Look at what they did to you. Not only am i being treated like shit.. but it just makes me feel worse about myself. Thats why i want to keep to myself.

About the night before, that happend between two people who get along. Never would i thought of that. Apperently, im just there. But i support every action you take. Being with someone or without... we're not really together. Your more of a bro to me. Somehow i need to realize what i have to do. But im sure you living in the past and ive been trying to bring u to the present. Your at ur lowest.. and i am too..

I dont believe that anybody feels the way i do about you now. There are many things i'd like to say to you.. but i dont know how. Because maybe your going to be the one that saves me.
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(no subject) [May. 31st, 2007|09:44 am]
bLue AvOcaDo
Honestly. What the fuck is wrong with this world. EVERYTHING! Y is it that you have to bring someone down to make urself feel better about urself. What the fuck have we done to u. Be happy... fucken be happy... if u have a smile on ur face the birds are flying no matter what, poor or rich... your living life, you have made it. Just dont FUCKEN BRING PPL DOWN ... simply because of ur shit... Its people like u that causes people to raise the bar high for suicide.
I cant take this shit anymore.... wtf
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(no subject) [May. 8th, 2007|09:58 am]
bLue AvOcaDo
i cross my heart and hope to....
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just cuz..... [May. 8th, 2007|09:43 am]
bLue AvOcaDo
Wow it took you this long to realize it all. Realize how much u affect people.

The most i can do now is just sit and watch everything go... No need for the sorry.

....We will somehow not talk anymore. Believe me... i can just feel it... there is absolutely no FUCKEN hope... what so ever.. Maybe if you put aside whatever u hold against me then maybe things could get better.

Dont worry.... i dont think i will be able to say anything. Your secret is safe with me. You sins are as yours as they are to mine.
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